瘦，夠了！─一趟與身體和解的冒險旅程

Abstract

這是一趟我與身體和解的冒險旅程！ 過去，我和我的身體，因肥胖、對肥胖的焦慮恐懼而受苦十多年，這次，我受夠了！真的「瘦夠了」！我想要停止繼續這樣追逐纖瘦的生活，希望拋下這讓我不斷挫敗的美麗框架。 透過自我敘說，我開始面向自身，向豐厚的生命智慧學習。一切是從說自己的故事開始，對我來說，率先揭露肥胖身體是如何在瘦身文化脈絡中尋找出路的減肥經驗，是面對自己的第一步。為了更貼近「減肥行動背後的信念」，接著我進一步回溯「我和身體」共同擁有的成長史，包括年幼時單純美好的記憶，在接收家族親友比較回饋後的失落與自卑，以及肥胖身體如何繼續勇闖青春、校園的深刻故事。 在回溯後，及結合閱讀文獻後的理解，我才驚訝發現：原來我的身體意象非恆久不變，會隨著「外在身體的變化」及「接觸外境的不同」而形塑；而肥胖身體意象，不僅和我的自我價值感交互影響，也影響我在各種關係脈絡中呈顯的姿態；此外，再看我不間斷、積極投入的減肥行動，其實都是為了緩解內在的焦慮與自卑，我以為「瘦，再更瘦一點」，將使我變得更好；最後，當重新以社會文化脈絡觀點，再次理解我身體意象的形成與減肥經驗時，我發現原來我身體的價值是在和社會互動後所建構，而我和大眾媒體互動距離的變化，從高度認同，質疑憤怒，到思辨自主，也影響我如何觀看自己的身體；因為這不間斷的冒險、回溯、面對與理解，協助我跳脫胖/瘦框架，學習接納、欣賞自己的各種樣貌與價值，並開始思考：我與我的身體，該以何種姿態繼續存在？如何為身體營造一個正向、滋養的環境；如何看見自己與社會環境脈絡的互動關係，同時又能學習展現個體自主性，維持穩定的重心。 這是一趟發現自我力量、養成自我力量的珍貴旅程。感謝老天巧妙的安排，這一年多來，我開始學習自主感受內在對身體的感覺，傾聽、回應身體的需求，我明白原來讓身體保持在一個健康、愉悅、滿足的狀態，將會連帶使每天生活充滿更多希望與歡樂！而這一路來探究、學習、實踐的經歷，也帶給我繼續向前邁進的能量、態度和資源，我將更有勇氣繼續深入探索身體的其他故事及生命中的重要記憶。 最後，也期待藉由分享，能讓更多人聽見各種多元的聲音，或觸動更多人有勇氣說出自己的經驗，甚至帶動更多為自己起義、捍衛自己的行動。

It was an adventurous journey to reconcile with my own body. For more than a decade, I struggled with my body weight and suffered from the fear and anxiety of being fat. I have had enough! I am going to end this pursuit of becoming slender and in doing so, hope to relief myself of this frame of beauty that has left me in frustration and agony. Through self-narrative, I began looking at myself, face on, turning to the bountiful life wisdom as the source of my learning. I began by divulging my own story and the first step to facing me was to reveal how I, and my shapeless figure, managed to survive in a culture with dire pursuit of being thin. In order to get down to the core of my motivations of losing weight, I rummaged through the memories that my body and I had shared through the growing years. Those include memories of innocent childhoods past as well as the disappointment and feelings of inferiority as my family compared me with others. Moreover, there were stories of a fat girl’s journey through adolescence and school years. However, after reviewing my own story and some other literatures, there were some surprising findings. I found that my image of my body would change with my physical change and the environmental change. The obese body image not only interactively influences my self-esteem, it also affects how I present myself in different social context. Further, from looking at my non-stop, aggressive weight loss plans, I realized that I have done that in order to ease my anxiety and inferiority thinking that I would become a better person if only I am slimmer. Nonetheless, when I tried to understand the build-up of my body image and the experience of losing weight from the social cultural aspect, I found that I valued my body based on the outcome of my interaction with the society. How I value my own body was also changed by my interaction with mass media, which went from strongly agreeing to questioning, to being outrage and then to settling into forming independent opinions towards the information it provides. The continuous process of adventure, review, confrontation, and understanding helps me to think out of the box of being fat or thin. I have thus learned to appreciate my various appearances and values. Also, I start to think how I want my body and me to be in the future; how I can create a positive, nourishing environment for my body; and how I will be able to draw a positive interaction between myself and the artilleries of society and, at the same time, learn to display my independence and keep a steady mind. This is a precious journey of discovery and honing of the strength that lies within oneself. I thank God for the ingenious arrangement. In the past year, I learned to perceive my feelings towards my body, and listen to and response to the needs of my body. I realized that my everyday life would be happier and more hopeful if I stay healthy, happy, and satisfied. The whole experience of doing research, learning, and practicing also gives me the strength, attitude, and resources to keep moving on. Now, I have more courage to get to know more stories of my body, as well as other important memory in my life. Finally, I wish my sharing would inspire others to listen to different opinions, to be brave enough to share their experience, or even to do something to defend them.