照見關係中的自我：合作取向對話實踐者的自我敘說

Abstract

本文的源起於研究者9歲時媽媽自殺離世的經驗，生命的時鐘因自殺的創痛而停格在9歲，也因此失去了聲音，停留在孤寂的世界。為了平撫9歲時的羞恥感、罪惡感與遺憾，竭力成為緘默的乖孩子與完美的助人者，但破碎的自我認同，僅在得到他人認可的時刻，才得以短暫映照出好的自我。而自殺者遺族身份，與對自己緘默、乖與完美的期待，形成關係中對彼此的壓迫，以及在助人者角色上的困境。本文的研究目的，是為了讓緘默多年的自殺者遺族身份能夠現身透氣，不再需要被藏在面具底下。希望透過自我敘說論文的書寫，理解身為自殺者遺族的自己，讓「我」與自殺者遺族身份、與自我，有機會發展出不同的關係。研究者採取合作取向對話實踐與文本對話，先從書寫成為自殺者遺族的經驗、以及一步步走向完美的助人者這兩個故事文本開始；透過研究者自身與文本的反思對話，以及邀請反思團隊閱讀文本，並在閱讀後與研究者進行反思對話，擴展研究者對陳舊故事的全新敘說，也擴大原本著眼於個人究責的視野；並透過反覆在關係中的對話實踐，帶來關係中的靠近與成長。研究結果部分，研究者在書寫後，與他人、助人、及自我產生新的關係，生命因此有了轉化。另透過對話產生新的詮釋，重新與曾經斷裂的關係──媽媽、爸爸、祖母、家族、核心家庭連結；並在研究後，整理出給自殺者遺族、想關心自殺者遺族的人們、給同在完美中的人們、給想開展反思與對話的人們的各種聲音，讓這些聲音有機會被認識。

As a survivor of suicide and a psychological helper, the researcher tried to get better understanding of her own inner tangle through Collaborative-Dialogic Practice. By self-narrative, the researcher told her own stories: (1) a survivor of suicide who suppressed her guilt, shame and remorse forcing herself to be well-behaved; (2) a psychological helper who compelled herself to be perfect and reliable in every aspect. With the self-reflection and the participation of reflecting team, the researcher tried to explore (1) how she thought about herself as being a survivor of suicide and the following impact on her different roles in life; (2) what kind of transformation would be generated by the dialogues between herself and the self-narrative, and the ones between herself and the reflecting team; (3) how she reconnected to herself and her family afterwards; (4) what were the influences on her life, relationship and career afterwards. Through Collaborative-Dialogic Practice, the dialogues and reflections generated new interpretations and helped the researcher reconnect to her mother, father, grandmother, family, and her own core family. With the study, the researcher tried to speak out for the survivors of suicide, for those who were accompanying the survivors of suicide, for those who were struggling for perfection, and for those who were interested in dialogues and reflections.